Rockin’ the tassel…Olympic men’s short program costumes.

Guess we must have been off our game at Toepick! the first few nights of Olympic coverage, because we never even noticed Dick Button’s Frankenstein boots. Now that our eyes are more conditioned, however, here’s our view of some of the more interesting men’s short program costumes. We’ve been seeing many of them all season but it’s always interesting to see what really makes it as far as the Olympics and what doesn’t.

First of all, we’re glad to see Japan’s Daisuke Takahashi’s Christmas jumpsuit from the Liberace Collection made it in. He looked great in it. As for Stephane Lambiel, no doubt his William Tell collar kept him nice and warm down there on that cold ice. Though we kinda miss the psychedelic zebra.

Never let it be said the USA’s world champion Evan Lysacek is a selfish guy; he obviously let Japan’s Nobunari Oda borrow his hair gel.

Italy’s Samuel Contesti can always be counted on for an interesting costume. Our problem: he skates to J. Geils Band music in this one, when the obvious piece of music he should be using is “Come on Eileen” by Dexys Midnight Runners. At least if he ever decides to dump the shirt.

We never look at Johnny Weir’s tassel-rockin’ corset that we aren’t reminded of that scene in Gone with the Wind where Mammy is trying to lace up Scarlett as tightly as she can and explaining to her that after having a baby she just isn’t going to have a seventeen-inch waist anymore. Johnny’s lacings look as if when Scarlett refused to listen, she suffered major undergarment fail. But that’s what they’re supposed to look like, and it’s what we love Johnny for.

Pity Belgium’s poor Kevin van der Perren, who got lost on the way to the Halloween party. Even worse, he lost his music tape, which was XTC’s “Poor Skeleton Steps Out,” and was forced to skate to Night on Bald Mountain instead. Just kidding, Kevin.

Attention, Tomas Verner of Czech Republic: Did you know you have a weird white wing-thing flapping from one arm? And you’re supposed to be a Greek sailor or something? Well, you do.

Ah, Evan Lysacek. All season long, we’ve been looking at him and thinking, that costume and that hair don’t look like The Firebird — they look like a duck who had a really tragic run-in with the Exxon Valdez, immediately followed by a smaller vessel transporting sequins to the Anchorage branch of Jo-Ann Etc. Evan really should have been one of the skaters signed up to plug Procter & Gamble products, because we have the perfect one for him: Dawn Dishwashing Liquid. We just want to douse him with it and make everything all better.

Finally, a comment about a trend we noticed on Television Without Pity yesterday: a lot of people seemed to object to the clown costumes worn by Aliona Savchenko & Robin Szolkowy for their short program to “Send In the Clowns.” The main reason, aside from any residual childhood fears (“Can’t sleep…German clowns will eat me”)? Because “That song is NOT ABOUT CLOWNS!” Oh, the smug, superior annoyance! “It’s like people having ‘Every Breath You Take’ played at their weddings because they think it’s a LOVE SONG!” fumed the assembly.

Well, folks, you may think the Germans took their music too literally, but here at Toepick! we’re actually gonna defend ’em. Why? Because, OK, as you say, the song is not about clowns, but about lovers. But…but…who’s to say it can’t be about clowns who are lovers? You know, clowns who are lovers, and who mess things up the way they get messed up in “Send In the Clowns”?

Yeah, we know…clowns in love. Even scarier than plain old clowns. Right? But really, it’s like Smokey Robinson says: There’s some sad things known to man, but ain’t too much sadder than the tears of a clown when there’s no one around. Then again, elaborate apologias for skating costumes from a Web site might be sadder. Your call.

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